You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
