this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
