Pappa wants mamma naked
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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