I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
