mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
