she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
