I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
