You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
