I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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