I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
