after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize