I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize