saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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