I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
