after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
