How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
a search helicopter?!
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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