guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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