i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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