So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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