Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
