ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
