you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
