Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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