im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
