I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
