Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
