I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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