matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
