dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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