Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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