Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
