I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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