I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
