I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
