i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
