i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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