i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
