Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
