Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You may now shotgun with the bride
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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