Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
