nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
