The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Text me some of your sweat
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize