i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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