her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
