She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
