he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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