i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i dont even know how to be here
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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