why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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