I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
