I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
