I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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