dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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