textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
