I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
