god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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