the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
