My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
did i just pee glitter
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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