Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
