He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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