His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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