He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
