it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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